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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28022373">for their light, for their darkness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanilla_cotta/pseuds/vanilla_cotta'>vanilla_cotta</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>you’re giving me a heart attack [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Given (Anime), Given (Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Conflict Resolution, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Manga Spoilers, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:14:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,796</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28022373</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanilla_cotta/pseuds/vanilla_cotta</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Mafuyu and Ritsuka may be closer to understanding each other, but communication is a continuous process, especially when it comes to repairing their relationship.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>you’re giving me a heart attack [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>165</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>If you have not read any of the other stories in this series, please read those first, otherwise, this will not make sense. Other than that, all mistakes are my own and while I was able to have my s/o proofread a little bit of this, I wasn't able to get feedback for all of it. However, I hope that doesn't distract you too much and that you still enjoy this. </p><p>Happy reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <span class="u">Mafuyu to Ritsuka</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>0127 - Got home safe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>0128 - Maybe I can stay over next time?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>0128 – I could do it when things make a little more sense. When things are better... When we’re better, alright?</em>
</p><p>Heart clenching at the words that were scattered across his phone, dejection settling along his shoulders like a hundred-pound weight, Ritsuka tries not to take the text personally. Pushing down feelings of loneliness and the type of insecurity that makes him feel as if he is as small as a mouse, Ritsuka rubs his blisters until a spark of pain provides him with relief, tension slowly dissipating from his body.</p><p>His fingers eventually type:</p><p>
  <em>0132 - I’d like that. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>0132 - Sleep well and have a good night.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>0133 – I love you, please don’t forget that.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>XXX</p><p> </p><p>"What did your boyfriend think?"</p><p>His eyes were red and puffy from the all the crying the night before, but with a few splashes of water he was at least able to remove the red splotches from his cheeks. The coldness of the water revitalized him enough to feel more secure and sure of himself. However, it did nothing to stop the exhaustion lining his bones and making him feel more like a walking corpse than a person.</p><p>The fight had been brutal, and as much as sharing his pain had given him a little bit of relief, the agony of it still gripped his heart. Mafuyu's memories of Yuuki had given him a greater understanding and appreciation of the battle that Mafuyu was facing. Still, it was just a band-aid to a larger problem that Ritsuka didn't know how to fix.</p><p>Ritsuka's insecurity and pain wasn't something that had appeared suddenly, it had slowly built up over weeks—no months, before finally surfacing last night. A single cry wasn't going to make him feel better, it only made him more tired.</p><p>Ritsuka was lucky that Mafuyu had possessed just enough energy to drag the two of them home while ensuring that they didn't make any other mistakes. If Mafuyu hadn't been of a sound mind and had instead agreed to stay the night as Ritsuka had tiredly suggested, things would have ended up much worse.</p><p>Even now, Ritsuka's ears threaten to turn pink as he quietly remembers the whine that had escaped his lips when he had asked the younger male to lie in bed with him. In response, Mafuyu had simply given him a small, sorrowful smile before placing a light kiss to his forehead; Mafuyu promising him that they would hang out soon. Offering a hurried excuse about catching the last train home, Mafuyu excused himself.</p><p>In his head, he knew that it wasn't a good idea for them to spend the night together. While, in his heart, he had wished for the other to slip under the covers and hug him so tight that he’d never be able to forget the other’s warmth in that moment. However, seeing debilitation and shattered nerves settle across Mafuyu’s form and tired gaze, it was apparent to Ritsuka that Mafuyu’s stance wouldn’t budge.</p><p>Mafuyu needed some space, so Ritsuka decided to push his pitiable panic and desperation for touch away to allow Mafuyu the time he needed to think and regroup.</p><p>Ritsuka had literally thrown a grenade at him and the force of the blast had almost caused their fragile bond to break into shrapnel-like pieces. Sharp, jagged, and painful enough to leave deep scars on the both of them, the two were lucky enough to come away with cuts and bruises. Mafuyu was the trigger for Ritsuka pulling the pin off the grenade, while Ritsuka’s feelings of inadequacy had been the gun powder.</p><p>Ritsuka had no intention to hurt Mafuyu with his brokenness, but the lack of care had caused something to splinter within him. Reparations would require time and effort, and as much as Mafuyu had been able to share Yuuki with him last night, the conversation wasn't enough to fix their issues.   </p><p>The two of them were far from okay, so sleeping together was definitely not a good idea. Especially since Mafuyu… </p><p>
  <em>I’ve been hurting you for weeks now.</em>
</p><p>Discovering that Mafuyu had willingly hurt him multiple times during their relationship was an utterly unbearable concept. It's agonizing because Ritsuka would have done anything to make Mafuyu happy, and even now, Ritsuka wants to forgive him. </p><p>However, for them to be okay, Mafuyu will need to give him the same courtesy that Ritsuka has given him.  </p><p>While Ritsuka?</p><p>Ritsuka would need to love himself and stop comparing himself to someone dead. Otherwise, his fingers wouldn’t be able to last. If he spiraled again... Ritsuka didn't want to think of the consequences. </p><p>Mafuyu. Music. Love. Passion...</p><p>These concepts had started to intertwine and tangle themselves together, and Ritsuka doesn't know how to stop it.</p><p>It’s a scary and painful thing to realize, and when Mafuyu smiles at him as if he is worth the world, Ritsuka finds that he doesn’t care if he can’t go back to the way things were. </p><p>He doesn’t care that he cannot return to a time—<em>to a time before Mafuyu.</em> </p><p>With a heavy sigh, Ritsuka begrudgingly turns his attention back to Yayoi, while his sister gives him a cautious yet caring look as she waits for his answer. </p><p>However, unable to develop a response that would satisfy himself, let alone his sister, Ritsuka decides to give her a small shrug of his shoulders instead. “I don’t know…He thought I had played well… He just didn’t like—He didn’t like seeing me play that way… He was more upset about other things… Not exactly upset at me, more upset at himself and the situation, y’know?”</p><p>Thinking back to Mafuyu’s words last night, Ritsuka reeling from all of the things that had been left unsaid. Ritsuka can't help but think back to every interaction that the two of them have had to make him think he should be more like Yuuki and less like himself. </p><p>Mafuyu had been distant. </p><p>
  <em>Mafuyu had avoided him.</em>
</p><p>While Ritsuka has never been able to ask his boyfriend about his ex, the guitarist too afraid to cause his boyfriend any unnecessary pain, Ritsuka couldn’t help but yearn for Mafuyu to see him as his own person. While Mafuyu had been able to see that last night, one night wasn't going to be enough. </p><p>The two had been dating for months now, and Ritsuka had lost himself in the process of becoming someone that he was not. Not only did he have to be continually understanding and aware of Mafuyu's pain, but it wasn't long before he had found himself doing that for Hiiragi and Shizusumi as well. </p><p>It was tiring to hold himself to those standards, and Ritsuka was just hurting himself in the process in his quest to obtain love and acknowledgment. </p><p>For Ritsuka to truly heal, Mafuyu needs to cherish him a little more. Ritsuka's not asking for much either; he just wants Mafuyu to love him as much as he loves him. But he also wants Mafuyu to be honest and tell him what he had thought about his playing last night. </p><p>Music is a large part of his life, and in some masochistic way, Ritsuka needed Mafuyu to tell him that he had done an excellent job. Once that happened, he needed Mafuyu to ask him to stick to his original style and stay with Given. </p><p>He wanted Mafuyu to tell him that he was never allowed to leave because Given didn't want anyone else.  </p><p>Playing with Hiiragi and Shizusumi had been entertaining and fun, but Ritsuka felt as if he didn’t shine as bright. Ritsuka dazzled when he was with Given, but he truly sparkled like a diamond when he played along with Mafuyu.</p><p>Ritsuka wanted Mafuyu to acknowledge what they had… What the two of them would always have due to Mafuyu finally giving the two of them a chance.</p><p>The conversation about Yuuki might have been a big step for their relationship, but it didn't stop Ritsuka from feeling unsure about other things... Mostly about himself.</p><p>“I’m… I’m supposed to meet him later… I can get a better answer then… He should be able to tell me what he thinks? Right?” </p><p>While Yayoi, unable to stop herself from wondering how her brother had gotten involved with someone like Mafuyu, couldn’t stop herself from quietly reaching over to squeeze her brother’s shoulder, “Is him not wanting you to play like Yuuki, not an answer?” </p><p>Brows furrowing, mind rehashing what Mafuyu had told him last night, Ritsuka couldn't help but softly voice, “Is it?”</p><p>Only for Yayoi to reply, “Do you want it to be?”</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Yes, more than anything. </em> </strong>
</p><p>XXX</p><p> </p><p>Ever since that night, Mafuyu couldn’t get Yuuki’s—no, Ritsuka’s composition out of his head. The sound of the guitar had been smooth, yet it was with sorrowful yearning. It was quite sad, and Mafuyu couldn’t help but wonder how the other teen could have ever replicated such a sound.</p><p>Usually, Ritsuka’s sound was passionate and lively, and when Ritsuka was in the mood, it was even playful at times. Ritsuka’s usual style wasn’t one that spoke of loneliness and pain: it spoke of love and youthful exuberance.</p><p>Yet, Ritsuka, during that song, he had been anything but lively.</p><p>The set had destroyed Ritsuka, and with every song that had led up to the group’s encore, Ritsuka’s progressively looked worse. Even the weeks leading up to the concert had shown that as well, because as much as Ritsuka was a fantastic guitarist, Mafuyu missed Ritsuka’s sound.</p><p>Thinking back to every practice session Given has had, Mafuyu can’t recall when Ritsuka started to sound off… <em>Unlike himself. </em></p><p>Mafuyu remembers the band-aids, though. Then there were the bandages that had occasionally became tinged with red, and finally, the super glue. However, he can't remember when Ritsuka had begun to play like someone else...</p><p>The lack of knowledge makes him feel worse because Mafuyu played a massive part in Ritsuka hurting himself. He had been too caught up in thinking about Yuuki and the group’s future to give Ritsuka a clear, concrete answer. He had avoided Ritsuka, hoping that he could go forever without answering, making him feel guilty. </p><p>Ritsuka had asked him to debut, and Mafuyu didn’t know how to answer.</p><p>Even now, the answer eludes him. Except, it’s not that he doesn’t have an answer. It’s just that he doesn’t want to answer. </p><p>He’s afraid to answer.</p><p>If he says yes, then what happens if he doesn’t have the passion for meeting his groupmates’ expectations?</p><p>What happens if he doesn’t have the drive that Given needs for all of them to be successful?</p><p>What happens when the group doesn’t do well? </p><p>Mafuyu doesn’t know, but what Mafuyu does know is that he loves music. </p><p>Ritsuka made him realize that, and while he’s only been playing for a couple of months now, Mafuyu doesn’t know if music fits into his life as it does everyone else.</p><p>He wants… He wants… He doesn’t know what he wants. </p><p>He wants to have fun with his friends.</p><p>He wants to write and play music.</p><p>He wants to kiss his boyfriend… To do more than that, especially if Ritsuka will let him... </p><p>He <em>really, really, really </em>wants to show Ritsuka how much he loves him.</p><p>However, he doesn’t know if a record deal and a chance to debut will give him what he wants.</p><p>He’s not like Ritsuka, who dreams of playing music to large crowds one day, or Kaji and Haruki, who have even gone to school for music. He’s not like any of them…</p><p>Still, he has somehow fallen in love with music in a way that he has never fallen for anything before. It’s exciting and fun and Ritsuka’s been there every step of the way… He doesn’t want to lose what he has with Ritsuka and Given.</p><p>Even watching Ritsuka play support for his friends was hard, because on some level, he only wanted Ritsuka to play with him. Hiiragi and Shizusumi are great musicians, but Ritsuka is special and bewildering in his talent.</p><p>
  <em>Ritsuka makes his heart race. </em>
</p><p>He’s Given’s guitarist<em>, </em>not SYH’s.</p><p>Is this feeling of envy enough for him to debut, though? Is it significant enough to debut with Ritsuka? Who up to this point has been able to wow and amaze people with his talent?</p><p>Ritsuka’s passion awoke something within him. While Ritsuka’s patience and willingness to teach him the guitar had given him something that Mafuyu had never really had. Ritsuka had given him a voice, and when he wasn't insecure, the other boy had also given him a place where he had felt wanted.</p><p>Ritsuka had cultivated a sense of belonging between the two and their band, and Mafuyu didn't know if he could live without that.</p><p>
  <em>Given was literally a lifeline to him.</em>
</p><p>Ritsuka had given him something that Yuuki had never been able to provide him with, and it was all because the two were different people. </p><p>It didn’t matter if Ritsuka and Yuuki had wanted similar goals and interests. Yuuki didn’t ask him to join his band as Ritsuka had done. Yuuki didn't take the time to teach him how to play the guitar while Ritsuka continued to do so. Yuuki didn’t sacrifice his style to understand the person that Mafuyu used to love, never mind have his heart still yearn for at times. Yuuki did his own thing with the expectation that Mafuyu would follow...</p><p>And lovesick Mafuyu would have followed him anywhere. </p><p>Before the concert, Mafuyu had been unable to navigate his thoughts and feelings, too wounded to say anything sensible. Especially since the last time he had tried to talk about Yuuki, Mafuyu couldn’t stop himself from noticing how similar his boyfriend’s clock had been to Yuuki’s. Words coming out all wrong and tears falling from his eyes, Mafuyu had been slightly terrified at the thought of scaring Ritsuka off.</p><p>The thought of <strong><em>Too much, this must be too much, how can he be here? This must be too much. </em></strong>had ran through his head, but instead of Ritsuka leaving him or being scared, Ritsuka had stayed.</p><p>The clock hadn’t been anything special, and yet, Mafuyu could clearly see it in his mind: Yuuki’s clock, Yuuki’s room, Yuuki…</p><p>Mafuyu had been blinded, while Ritsuka could only comfort him to the best of his ability.</p><p>Ritsuka had asked him to share his tears, to let him be there to hold him whenever he would need to cry, and yet, Mafuyu hadn’t been able to do any of that.</p><p>At that time, Mafuyu couldn’t bring himself to talk about Yuuki, and Ritsuka, unable to hurt him, had refrained from asking about the other boy.</p><p>However, the feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear, had started to fester, and now, Mafuyu couldn’t run from them anymore. Not if he didn’t want to hurt Ritsuka worse, that is… Especially since he’s already hurt him too many times at that.</p><p>Mind focusing on the aspects of their relationship that he loved, the chance for Given to debut, and the horrid sight of Ritsuka crying the night before, Mafuyu quietly found himself wondering about all of the things that Ritsuka had confessed to him last night:</p><p>
  <em>“At first, I didn’t want to do it, but then I listened to Yuuki’s song and I couldn’t get it out of my head… I couldn’t get the idea of him out of my head…Yuuki loved you and you loved him and I thought by getting close to Yuuki, I would be able to get closer to you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I wanted you to look at me—to see only me, but you don’t… At least, not all the time… And maybe, if I could play like him, make you think that I’m similar enough to him, then maybe you’d be able to look at me… </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe, you’d never be able to look away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe, you’d never want to look away, because then, I’d be more than enough.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to be more than enough… I want that more than anything.”</em>
</p><p>“Damn it! Ritsuka, you already are… You already are… Fuck, why didn’t I make you see that? Why did it take me until yesterday to start doing something about it?”  </p><p>Ritsuka had given him a chance, had placed his trust in him, and Ritsuka deserved an answer… He deserved an answer for everything. </p><p>
  <em>“Do you want to be in Given?”</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Yes, more than anything. </em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do you want to debut?”</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Yes, a thousand times yes.</em> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“Do you love Ritsuka?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong> <em>I do… I really, really do… </em> </strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <span class="u">Kaji to Ritsuka</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1337 – Come over. We should talk.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>XXX</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, sugar cookies or red bean sweets?” Akihiko calls over his shoulder as he pours hot water into two mugs, instant coffee already placed on the coffee table.</p><p>One can hear the bustle of the city through the apartment walls, but the sound is soothing in a way, primarily since it relieves the potential for awkward silences. Ritsuka, not knowing what to do, can only sit awkwardly in the other’s living room/bedroom with his guitar still strapped to his back. Almost giving himself a heart attack when Akihiko turns off the stove to make his way to sit beside him, Akihiko’s foot reaching out to tap him on the shoulder, as he does so, Ritsuka can’t help but scowl in response. While Akihiko, returning Ritsuka’s look with a frown of his own, can only ask, “Hey, did you want sugar cookies or red bean sweets with your coffee?”</p><p>Mentally scolding himself for being so jumpy, embarrassment pinking the tips of his ears, Ritsuka forces himself to answer, “Uh, sugar cookies?”</p><p>Ritsuka's voice sounding anything but sure, Akihiko finds himself raising a brow. The gesture quick to cause Ritsuka's cheeks to flush, Ritsuka is quick to exclaim, “Yes! Yes, I’ll have sugar cookies.” </p><p>Ritsuka almost winces at how loud his voice is because Akihiko's question shouldn't have caused him to freak out so badly. The two were just hanging out so far, and while Ritsuka knew Akihiko wanted to talk, he didn't need to get so bent out of shape over the sweets that Akihiko was offering him. There was no need to panic just yet, but after his conversation with Mafuyu and the rough weekend he was subjected to, Ritsuka can't help but be a little more sensitive than usual.</p><p>“Well, eat as many as you want, and for your coffee, I suggest starting with one spoonful. This brand is usually stronger than the others, so if you want your coffee to be drinkable, I wouldn't start with your normal amount.” Akihiko mentions as he passes one of the mugs to Ritsuka. Eyes straying to the instrument still attached to the other's form, he is quick to continue, “Remove your guitar and stay awhile; I’m not going to force you to talk if you don’t want to, so try to relax.”</p><p>Heart lightening a bit at Akihiko’s words, Ritsuka’s shoulders unwinding so that he doesn't look like a robot anymore, Ritsuka softly nods. Shrugging the guitar off his shoulders and setting the instrument beside him, Ritsuka forces himself to open the instant coffee and drop a spoonful of it into his mug. Akihiko passes a sleeve of cookies across the table as he quietly waits for Ritsuka to pull himself together; a red bean sweet swiftly finds it's way into his mouth.</p><p>“So why did you call me over?”</p><p>This only causes Akihiko to chuckle, “Ue, you’re the only one that hasn’t seen my new place yet… So what do you think? I know it’s not much, but I can play whatever I want up here without the neighbors threatening to tell my landlord I’m too loud.”</p><p>Looking around to see nothing but the bare necessities and Akihiko’s instruments, Ritsuka figured that the place was nice enough. It was clean and brighter than the other apartment, even though it still wasn't as warm as Haruki's place. But Akihiko’s minimalist looking apartment was more his style.</p><p>“It feels similar to your last apartment, but without the egg cartons and cement… I like it.” Ritsuka admits before he's grabbing a cookie and taking a small bite, “I’m g-glad you invited me over, but I’ve been wondering… I’m wondering… Have you done much playing since Haruki got the call?”</p><p>Itching to know Akihiko’s answer as he has only seen the older male a handful of times in the past couple of weeks, Akihiko having been busy with a couple of violin concerts, Ritsuka tries not to look desperate. Ever since the call, the four have only managed a couple of practice sessions, and the lack of group practice with his band has made him quite anxious. The thought of debuting with the three is everything that Ritsuka has wanted for the four as Ritsuka believes the group to have something quite special, but the last month or so has made him second guess that dream. Not because the four wouldn't be able to make it, but seeing Mafuyu avoid the question and think too hard about something that most musicians aim to obtain, he was worried. Maybe Mafuyu was seeing something that none of them could see?</p><p>
  <strong> <em>Maybe Mafuyu thinks I'm not impressive enough? Maybe I'm not as remarkable as Yuuki was.</em> </strong>
</p><p>Giving Ritsuka a searching look, Akihiko taking in the other's shoulders' and how tense they look, Akihiko forces himself to store the concern away. At least for the time being, because as much as Akihiko’s true motives were to get Ritsuka to come to his apartment so that the two of them could talk about the younger male’s behavior, he didn’t want to scare Ritsuka off.</p><p>So, giving a small shrug, Akihiko provides the question with more profound thought, “Outside of the few practices that we’ve had, I’ve been playing here and there, sometimes by myself and sometimes with Haruki. I haven’t been playing the drums as much as you’ve been playing guitar…"</p><p>"Of course you haven't, you have the violin, and it's not like..."</p><p> "It's not like I've been playing music with Mafuyu's friends," Akihiko's voice is light and teasing, "Did you really enjoy playing with those two?”</p><p>The question is supposed to be innocuous, but Ritsuka still tightens the grip he has on his pants, “Shizusumi and Hiiragi are good… Like really good and I—I like playing with them, more than I thought I would, even if Hiiragi’s kind of a pain and can be annoying at times, but it was fun and exciting… I-I learned a lot from them, but—”</p><p>“They weren’t Given?”</p><p>Looking up to see Akihiko softly looking at him, head resting on the palm of his hand, Ritsuka softly averts his eyes as he bites his lip, “Yeah, they weren’t you guys… The music… It was okay, but it wasn’t our style… It wasn’t my style… Hiiragi’s bass playing isn’t like Haruki’s and Shizusumi isn’t you and Mafu-Mafuyu—”</p><p>“Ritsuka, if you noticed all of this—if you noticed that it wasn't your style, then why play? You didn’t have to play with them if you didn’t want to, especially if you were having a hard time with it.”</p><p>Gripping onto his pants even tighter, Ritsuka shakes his head, “It wasn't! It wasn't hard, at least not at first... I wanted to play with them. I wanted to challenge—no, I wanted to see how they played because they seemed so cool. They are <em>cool</em>, and as much as their music wasn’t my thing, it was fun t,o play with them. I <em>liked</em> playing with them… I still do, but they’re not you guys... Despite that, I still found myself playing with them... I wanted to play with them... Even if it got difficult at times. I couldn’t stop myself; I wanted to know more about myself... I wanted to know more about Yuuki... I wanted to understand him!"</p><p>“How was it? Were you able to understand?”</p><p>“I-I don't know... All I know is that it sucked. It sucked a lot, and at first, I thought… I thought Yuuki was amazing—no, he still is <em>amazing</em>. The music that he made is remarkable. Even if I only listened to the demo that Hiiragi gave me, I could sense that Yuuki was special. The demo was so good that I kept playing it repeatedly, and eventually, I decided to finish it. I wanted to finish it. I needed to finish it because, at that moment, Yuuki and I were the same.</p><p>"I don’t know why, but once I showed Hiiragi the completed demo, I couldn't stop myself... I couldn't stop us from playing, so we played it over and over again until I could barely remember the other songs…”</p><p>All I could feel was pain and yearning... But I didn’t want to let them down… I didn’t want to let Mafuyu down.</p><p>“Yuuki was talented, maybe a lot more than—”</p><p>“Ritsuka, stop that thought, especially since everyone knows that’s not true. You don’t get nicknames like Genius or Ue-sama because you're not talented. I wouldn’t be in a group with you if you couldn’t match my passion and play style. If I were your age, I’d probably be pissed at you.”</p><p>“Akihiko, you don’t understand. I know I’m talented, but Yuuki—”</p><p>“<em>Ritsuka, I don’t think you understand.</em> You’ve been playing the same gritty concert houses as me since you were a middle-school brat, and I’ve never seen a kid as good as you. Your insecurity isn’t cute, and if you’ve been showing the same behavior to Mafuyu, he’s probably thinking the same.”</p><p>Indignation spiking across his features, Ritsuka is quick to growl, “I’m not insecure. Yuuki is talented, and that song… That fucking song.” Only for the feeling of tears to blindside him, “Why did I have to compete with that? Why did Hiiragi give me that demo? Why couldn’t Mafuyu—no, all of them see me for me? Why did I think I had to play that song?  To finish it?”</p><p>“Why did you think that?”</p><p>“Because… Because Mafuyu didn’t—”</p><p>Akihiko suddenly reaches out to grab one of Ritsuka's wrists to take one of the other's hands in his, Akihiko's fingers trailing across the younger male's bandages, he grits, “Ritsuka, I understand you’re hurting and confused, and your feelings are a mess right now, but I want to set one thing straight with you.”</p><p>Eyes shining with tears, but attention focused on Akihiko and the stern look he was giving him, Ritsuka was influenced into listening.</p><p>“Mafuyu messed up; I get that. I understand that, and you have every right to be upset and hurt. I’d be upset with Mafuyu too, but you’re not free from blame. You let yourself get to this point.” Akihiko starts before he's pointing attention to Ritsuka’s fingers by holding them up, “Ritsuka, you willingly hurt yourself, and you’re lucky that your fingers aren’t fucked up… And I’m going to tell you right now, this type of thing is not going to happen again. If you feel the need to give yourself physical pain to quiet your emotional pain, I want you to talk to someone. Because what you’ve been doing isn’t something that only hurts yourself; it hurts everyone around you. So as much as you’ve been drowning in your insecurity, you’ve been pushing the person—the very people that you want to vent and scream to away.”</p><p>Sob falling from his throat, Ritsuka shamefully agrees, “Kaji-san, you think I don’t know that? You think I don’t know how pathetic I’ve been? I do—I absolutely do, but it’s hard… When it comes to Yuuki, it either feels like I have to walk on eggshells or I don’t measure up. Everyone loved Yuuki—Mafuyu loved Yuuki, and even though he took his life, it’s as if no one is mad. Yuuki hurt them all, and not one of them is furious! He hurt all of them… They’re all hurting, and I’m just there, almost as if I’m a substitute, and yet, I can’t make any of them happy. I can’t make Mafuyu happy!”</p><p>Giving a long sigh, especially since he didn’t know the depths of how much Ritsuka had been hurting himself over, Akihiko crawls around the table to pull the younger male against his chest. The hug surprises them both but listening to Ritsuka get down on himself for not being like Yuuki was a little too much for him to bear.</p><p>“Damn it, Ritsuka. You don’t need to be like Yuuki to make Mafuyu or any of his friends happy because they aren’t expecting you to do that. Yuuki’s gone, and while there may be similarities between the two of you, you aren’t him. Mafuyu realizes that, and I’m sure the others do too. Happiness after something like that takes time, and you trying to be like Yuuki isn’t going to bring them that happiness faster, let alone happiness in the first place. I’m sure Mafuyu isn’t happy seeing his boyfriend lose himself to his ex, so stop trying hard to be something you’re not. And if you’re uncomfortable with something, don’t do it, alright?”</p><p>“But Kaji-san… I—”</p><p>“Don’t Kaji-san me, especially when you’re wrong about things. Mafuyu’s happy with you… He may have messed up big, but he’s happy with you. If he weren’t, he wouldn’t smile or laugh as he does. You gave him a lifeline when he didn’t have one, and seeing you two, there’s no mistake in my mind that he’s not happy with you. There may be days where he’s sad or doesn’t understand his feelings, and Yuuki may be at the forefront of his mind, but you gave him something that he didn’t have before. It doesn’t take a genius to realize his other friends kept him out of things, and for you to stick your neck out and have him join the band and teach him the guitar, you’ve given him something to dream about… If you can’t see that, you need to get your head out of your ass and look at the good you’ve given him. Not the shit you’re currently hung up about, alright? You’re a good person Ritsuka, and from what I’ve seen, Yuuki was probably no match for you, so believe in yourself, alright?”</p><p>Mulling over Akihiko’s words, especially the last couple of lines, Ritsuka quietly finds himself mumbling, voice wet and raspy to his ears, “<em>How can you say that?”</em></p><p>In response, the sad sound of Ritsuka's voice makes Akihiko hold onto Ritsuka even tighter, “Because you and Haruki have similar vibes at times and seeing how good you are to Mafuyu, you’re not giving yourself enough credit. Mafuyu’s thriving with us, <em>with you</em>, and it’d take a blind mind to not notice that.”</p><p>Nodding his head, tears soaking into Akihiko’s shirt, Ritsuka’s arms finally find purchase along the back of Akihiko’s shirt, “So I’m good? I’m wanted?”</p><p>Holding in another sigh, Akihiko could only nod, “You are, so stop trying to destroy yourself. None of us like to see it, alright?”</p><p>Which only causes Ritsuka to sob even harder. </p><p> </p><p>XXX</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Yayoi to Akihiko</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1917 – Hey asshole, next time you have Rikka over, don’t make him cry.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>1918 – Otherwise, I’ll poison your coffee.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Akihiko to Yayoi</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1919 – Yeah, yeah. I understand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>1919 – Does Yatake know you’re like this?</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Yayoi to Akihiko</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1921 – We wouldn’t be dating if he didn’t. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1921 – Not my fault you’re an asshole. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Akihiko to Yayoi</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1923 – Well, it takes one to know one.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>1926 – Tell Ritsuka we can hang out like usual next time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>1926 – I promise there’ll be no tears.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Yayoi to Akihiko</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1928 – Tell him that yourself.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>XXX</p><p> </p><p>“Haruki? How do you… How do you make up with someone after you’ve done something wrong?” Mafuyu finds himself asking the older bassist as the two of them start their walk down the street.</p><p>The two had met by chance, with Mafuyu having just gotten off work while Haruki had just walked out of a bar after drinking with Koji and some other friends. Haruki had looked a little drunk with his cheeks flushed from a beer or two, but the bassist had been more than sober enough to recognize his younger friend and bandmate. Mafuyu’s depression and tiredness from the weekend had been apparent on his face, and Haruki, being somewhat aware of the drama that was going on between Mafuyu and Ritsuka, couldn’t help but ask the other if he had wanted some yakitori… And advice, a lot of advice.</p><p>After being pulled down the street to a small stand that had sold yakitori and fried noodles, Haruki quickly paid for a couple of chicken skewers, divvying them up so that they both had two. </p><p>Thankful for the food, especially since Mafuyu originally planned to grab something from a konbini near his apartment, Mafuyu quickly took a small bite of his chicken. </p><p>“It depends on what you think you've done... Have you talked to Ritsuka yet?” </p><p>Slowly chewing his food and swallowing, Mafuyu carefully regarded the older man's words, “Yeah, we actually talked a couple of days ago… It was after the concert... Just a little bit after their last song, y'know?”</p><p>Nodding his head as he silently thought back to that night, Haruki softly grimaced, “You okay? It must have been a little shocking to see Ritsuka and your friends play one of your ex’s—”</p><p>Eyes flashing with something Haruki couldn't precisely place, Mafuyu quickly interrupted his chain of thought, “I knew Ritsuka was going to play that song.”</p><p>Somewhat startled at Mafuyu's answer, Haruk couldn't stop himself from wondering, “Did Ritsuka tell you?” </p><p>“No, I had met up with Hiiragi a couple of days before the concert. He had been pretty worried about doing the song and had mentioned it to me. He didn't want to do it without saying something, so I wasn’t exactly surprised by that… Well, I was, but not because I didn’t know about it. I was more surprised by Ritsuka's... By Ritsuka's playing... Hiiragi had mentioned that Ritsuka was the one to finish the song, but when I had heard him... Ritsuka... He was amazing, but it hurt to see him playing like that... I was pretty upset...” </p><p>Memories flickering to the few times that Haruki had noticed Ritsuka taping his fingers up or the other be more subdued than usual. Even when all of them had been a mess, Haruki could understand where Mafuyu was coming from.</p><p>“I wasn't exactly upset at him, but more at myself... So we talked that night or well... At least we tried too, but I don’t think it was enough… Even with Yuuki… I think I really messed things up, and I—and I-I don’t know what to do about it… I thought about asking Kaji about what I should do, but he’s the one that messed things up between the two of you?”</p><p>Almost groaning at Mafuyu’s perceptiveness, especially since he and Akihiko had tried to keep their issues under wraps, Haruki couldn't help but take a large bite of his chicken skewer as he thought about murdering the other male. They hadn't been secretive enough, or Akihiko had been way too obvious with his actions when it came to making it up to him.</p><p>"Mafuyu, Aki may have messed things up, but everyone’s different... What works for our relationship and me may not work for you guys or Ritsuka. Even then, you’ve told me that you messed up… But isn’t Ritsuka in the wrong, too? He's the one that finished that song and didn't say anything.”</p><p>Shaking his head at Haruki’s suggestion, Mafuyu could only reply, “No, not really, at least not anymore. At first, I was pretty frustrated and angry, but after Hiiragi had told me what happened, I found it difficult to be mad at Ritsuka… Between myself and my friends… I think we drove him to do the song.</p><p>"My feelings…Shizusumi, the drummer of SYH, had cornered me a month or so ago to discuss my feelings about Ritsuka and debuting, and I found it hard to answer his questions, as well as myself. I know Ritsuka had been hurt by my indecisiveness—my indecisiveness about everything… But Haruki?” Eyes starting to tear up, Mafuyu forced himself to take a deep breath to calm himself, “I really messed things up, and Ritsuka? I hurt him, I've been hurting him for a while, and Shizusumi had noticed what I was doing and had wanted me to stop, but I didn't... So now, I need to talk to him again, to show him I don't want to do that anymore, but I don’t know if talking’s enough.”</p><p>Seeing Mafuyu tear up, Haruki recognizing the words that Mafuyu wasn’t saying; Haruki found it difficult to stand the sight of Mafuyu beating himself up. Mafuyu was only sixteen, and after everything that happened with Yuuki, and Mafuyu finally giving himself the time to grieve, it was only inevitable for Mafuyu to make some mistakes. Ritsuka may be a good kid, incredibly understanding and kind to his boyfriend, but juggling grief with moving on was an extremely complicated concept to navigate.</p><p>“Mafuyu, you’re too hard on yourself... Yes, you may have hurt Ritsuka by diving into something that you may not have been ready for just yet, but it sounds like you're in a better place now... It sounds like you truly want to make things work with Ritsuka, so it's not like this isn't fixable. Ritsuka wants this to work just as much as you do, but if you need my advice, I'll give it to you.</p><p>"First, you guys need to talk... You need to talk a lot more than what you've done so far, and even if you get to a point where you feel like you've talked enough, you talk some more… You just have to continue communicating, and if words aren’t enough, then you show it with your actions. But don't forgo one over the other, especially with Ritsuka... He needs both, and I know that may be hard for you, but I'm sure Ritsuka beats himself up as much as you do.”</p><p>“But how? How do I do that, Haruki? How do I get Ritsuka to believe that I love him?” </p><p>
  <em>Oh. </em>
</p><p>“Mafuyu, you do that by being honest with yourself and to your feelings. If you’re genuine and sincere, then there is no way that Ritsuka wouldn’t believe you.”</p><p>
  <em> <strong>He doesn’t believe me; it’s my fault. I’m the one that hurt him. I need you to understand—</strong> </em>
</p><p>“I get what you’re saying, I truly do, but I haven’t been doing that. I haven’t been doing that for weeks—no, <em>months</em>, and now… Now, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been scared of my feelings for Ritsuka, but it scares me more when Ritsuka’s hurt… When Ritsuka hurts because of me, and I don’t know—I don’t know what to do about that, especially since Ritsuka's not like Yuuki!”</p><p>Unable to stop himself from mentally kicking Akihiko and himself for occasionally being terrible role models, Haruki quickly grabs Mafuyu’s arm so that he can force him to stop. Mafuyu doesn't need to go down this road of pessimism and pain.</p><p>“Mafuyu, can you tell me what Ritsuka has done for you?” Haruki questions, eyes never straying from the younger male, “I’m sure you can tell me everything that Ritsuka has done for you and then some, but everything that he has done has resulted in Ritsuka being there for you because he loves you. He supports you and wants you to live your life, and due to that, you trust him… You love him for that, and because you love him, all you need to do is return the favor and not make things complicated.</p><p>“You communicate, and then you consistently be there for him… You support him, just like he has done for you, and even if that hurts, then you identify those feelings and feel them, but you don’t allow them to guide you if all they’re going to do is hurt you worse. Be sincere in your feelings and support, but have enough self-worth to allow yourself to believe and understand that you can be loved. But don't be a doormat. Ritsuka needs to do that just as much as you. Things aren't over between the two of you... You can fix things, so take a deep breath and calm yourself.” </p><p>Shakily nodding, Mafuyu finds himself silently mulling over the bassist’s words. </p><p>Haruki’s right, and if Mafuyu wants to make things better, he needs to talk… To communicate. But it’s not the hard things that he only needs to talk about, but it’s all of the good stuff as well. It's everything in between and then some. </p><p>He needs to tell Ritsuka how much he loves his playing and how he misses his sound. He needs to tell Ritsuka how much he enjoys the other’s good morning and good night texts or how endearing it can be whenever Ritsuka struggles to use emojis. He needs to tell Ritsuka that he likes his hands because they’re strong and sure, and he likes the warmth they bring to his body whenever they embrace. He needs to tell Ritsuka how much he enjoys the other’s presence. He needs to tell him how grateful he is for the other to get him to smile and laugh again. </p><p>There’s a lot of things he needs to tell Ritsuka, and realizing that he’s never really said much about any of those things, it’s not a wonder why Ritsuka is struggling to believe him. Mafuyu may have finally realized that he loves the other boy, but there’s still a lot to be said, and he needs to have the courage to say those things.</p><p>The timing doesn’t need to be right because his courage and the will to make things better, even if it is difficult, will be more than enough to make up for that.  </p><p>Feeling a little bit better about himself and what he needs to do, Mafuyu can’t help but throw himself at the older male, arms wrapping around the other’s body in a hug. </p><p>“Thank you... Just... Thank you."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Not going to lie, this one was a little hard to write and I tried my best to get my tenses to work, but I might have failed a little in that regard. Crosses fingers that Haruki and Akihiko weren't completely out of character here, especially since this is my first time writing the two. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hopefully, I'll be able to get the last chapter out soon. Other than that, please let me know what you think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Kaji to Mafuyu</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>2213 – I took Ritsuka’s guitar away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>2213 – Don’t let him use yours.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>2214 – I’ll give it back once his fingers heal.</em>
</p><p>Face heating up with shame, Mafuyu quickly types:</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Mafuyu to Kaji</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>2217— Is he alright?</em>
</p><p>Only for Kaji-san to reply a couple of seconds later, almost as if he could see Mafuyu staring at his phone. It’s almost as if he can feel the apprehension surrounding Mafuyu’s thoughts, and it’s uncanny how straight to the point the older male can be.</p><p>Haruki’s advice had been wrapped up with a friendly concern, while Kaji’s words were straight to the point. They weren’t cruel; they were just trying to tell him how things were.</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Kaji to Mafuyu</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>2218 – He will be once you two talk.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>2218 – He’s still hurting.</em>
</p><p>Putting his hands to his face, palms pressing into his eyes to stop the tears that line the corners of his eyes, Mafuyu forces himself to take a deep breath.</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Mafuyu to Kaji</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>2221 – I know…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>2221 – I’m going to take care of it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Kaji to Mafuyu</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>2222 – If you need a sounding board. I’ll be there.</em>
</p><p>He needed—no, he wanted to take care of this himself. If Kaji-san had taken Ritsuka’s guitar away, it wasn’t done without some words. Kaji-san texting him about Ritsuka, telling him that he was still hurt, was more than enough information to get him to do what he would need to do.</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Mafuyu to Kaji</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>2225 – I’ve got this. Thank you.</em>
</p><p>Giving a long sigh as he stares up at the ceiling, hands now at his sides as he drops his phone to his bed, Mafuyu quietly makes a decision.</p><p>He can’t put things off for much longer; otherwise, the two’s relationship may never recover.</p><p>For all of his mistakes, he doesn’t want that… He wants to play for keeps, and if Ritsuka will have him, he wants to be there for as long as he can be.</p><p>Ritsuka isn’t just the boy that could make him smile and make him feel strong, <em>he’s his now.</em></p><p>Mafuyu can’t give that up; he doesn’t want to.</p><p> </p><p>XXX</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Mafuyu to Ritsuka</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1315 – Want to come over later?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>1315 – My mom’s not going to be home. We can talk.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>1316 – I have a coupon for karaage and my mom made pickled cucumbers the other day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>…</em>
</p><p>Ritsuka tries not to frown at the whirling typing awareness indicator on his phone, especially when the dots are there a couple of minutes later, but it’s hard not to. The <em>We can talk </em>text seems relatively ominous, but in his heart, it’s anything but.</p><p>It’s been a couple of day since the concert and while the two have continued to give each other their normal good night and good morning texts, this is the first text that Mafuyu has sent regarding his promise to hang out. Ritsuka’s not mad that Mafuyu didn’t text him earlier, but his emotions are still a little raw despite all the crying that he’s done, so it’s hard not to be a little wary at the fact that the two still needed to talk some more.</p><p>He knows they need to communicate, to keep on talking, even if it’s difficult, but Ritsuka didn’t expect it to be so exhausting. Nor painful and confusing.</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Mafuyu to Ritsuka </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1320 – We don’t have to if you don’t want to.</em>
</p><p>However, he misses Mafuyu and while things are a little shaky between the two of them, Ritsuka still wants to hang out with the other boy. Even if it means they play less music or go on dates where they talk about everything but their issues. Kaji-san was so adamant about his fingers having some time to heal, Ritsuka’s guitar was currently having a vacation at Kaji’s place until Ritsuka’s fingers decided they didn’t need to bleed anymore.</p><p>Ritsuka wants their relationship to get better, but it’s going to take some time.</p><p>Fingers hovering over his phone, Ritsuka eventually types:</p><p>
  <em>1331 – Meet you at your desk after school?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>XXX</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Haruki to Mafuyu</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1532 – You’ve got this.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="u">Mafuyu to Haruki</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>1533 – Thank you. </em>
</p><p>Checking his phone as the school bell rang, signaling the end of the day, Mafuyu tried to appear cheerful and more courageous than he had felt. However, as the seconds wore on as he quietly put his things away, preparing himself for Ritsuka to stop by, Mafuyu couldn’t help but feel a little shaky and worried. Ritsuka was nowhere in sight, and as the minutes passed, his classmates slowly clearing themselves out of the room, Mafuyu wondered if Ritsuka didn’t mean his earlier texts and meant some other day. </p><p>Feeling awkward as he waited, Mafuyu having to occasionally tell some of his classmates that he’d be heading out a little later than usual that day; the younger male almost sighed in relief when he finally noticed a familiar mop of hair. Except the hair was wet and covered with white paint, and as Mafuyu altogether took Ritsuka in, he saw the teen had swapped out his uniform for his gym clothes as well. </p><p>What had happened between the end of class and now?</p><p>“A bucket of paint.” Ritsuka immediately grunted, before pinching the bridge of his nose, “Sorry, I would have been here on time, but one of the workers forgot when school was supposed to be let out, and Ryou and I got the short end of the stick.”</p><p>Seeing Ritsuka’s cheeks turn a subtle shade of pink and his lips form a bit of a pout, Ritsuka upset by what had just happened that Mafuyu couldn’t help but let out a giggle. The whole situation was odd, and seeing Ritsuka’s naturally healthy hair looking quite brittle and gray from what Mafuyu assumed to be white paint, as well as Ritsuka holding a garbage bag that most likely kept his dirty clothes and backpack, Mafuyu found his boyfriend to look absolutely ridiculous. It was so comical looking that Mafuyu found that he couldn’t stop himself from letting out an even bigger laugh. </p><p>The nerves that had taken root in his bones was quickly replaced with hysteria.</p><p>Mafuyu didn’t know if the paint was a good or bad sign of how the night would go, but at the moment, it was something that he could focus on, at least for a little bit. It lifted his spirits just enough to erode his apprehension away. </p><p>“I-I’m sorry, but how?”</p><p>Ritsuka’s cheeks becoming an even darker shade of pink while his ears had started to turn red at the tips, Ritsuka’s face was close to turning scarlet from the sudden embarrassment that he had felt.</p><p>Scowling, Ritsuka couldn’t help but exclaim, “Mafuyu, it’s not funny! I look like I just stepped out of a bad anime scene with this hair. I don’t even know if the paint will go away!”</p><p>As much as Ritsuka was supposed to look angry and outraged, Mafuyu couldn’t help but be reminded of an angry kitten. Mentally cataloging the look to memory, Mafuyu eventually forced himself to stop laughing as Ritsuka became more and more put out.</p><p>To Mafuyu, the situation may have been one of the strangest things he’s seen at school, but to Ritsuka, he was probably taking the paint as a sign of bad luck.</p><p>Feeling a little bad for laughing about it, even though the two would have laughed about this whole thing a couple of weeks ago, Mafuyu found himself reaching out with a small, reassuring smile, “Will the school cover your uniform?” </p><p>Nodding, Ritsuka softly replied, voice a little rough, “Yeah. They said the paint should come out in the wash, but they’ll cover the costs if it doesn’t.” </p><p>“That’s good. If you need a jacket as you wait to get a new uniform, I can lend you one of the cardigans I have. It should fit you alright since they’re a bit loose on me.” </p><p>The cardigan would definitely fit Ritsuka, despite his boyfriend having broader shoulders and a slightly wider chest than him. On the other hand, Pants would be a little too short, and as much as Ritsuka was wider around the shoulders, Ritsuka’s waist was a tad smaller than Mafuyu’s. If Ritsuka ever decided to work out regularly, he’d probably be even more handsome and beautiful than he already was.  </p><p>“It’s okay. I can just wear my jacket from freshman year if needed, but thank you.” </p><p>Hearing the underlying <em>That’s not really my style </em>had Mafuyu shaking his head, “Well, if you change your mind, just tell me, and I can bring an extra one to school.” </p><p>Giving Mafuyu a soft, somewhat nervous smile, Ritsuka couldn’t help but clear his throat as he had gone to change the subject, “So your place?”</p><p>“I-uh, yes! Yes, let’s go do that.” </p><p>Stepping out of the way to let Mafuyu take the lead, Ritsuka quietly followed the younger male out of the room. The two were quick to make their way downstairs and to the set of lockers to exchange out their shoes. The uncomfortable feeling of paint on his skin and hair, the substance making feel Ritsuka more than a little itchy, could only ask as he got done tying his shoelaces, “Is it okay if I use your shower once we get to your place?”</p><p>While Mafuyu, still doing his best to keep him psyched up for the rest of the night, turned towards his boyfriend as he said, “Of course, no need to ask.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Ritsuka softly replies as he pulls Mafuyu to his feet, “Ready to go?” </p><p>Ritsuka’s hand still on his, the other not realizing that he hadn’t let go just yet; Mafuyu has to swallow the sigh that’s caught in his throat as he slowly pulls his hand away from the other male. The two of them may have taken a couple of risks before, but until the two can talk again—no, until Mafuyu can make things a little more right, Mafuyu doesn’t dare to hold Ritsuka’s hand at school. </p><p>Neither of them needs a teacher or another student to find out just yet, primarily since neither of them has even spoken about the possibility of going public. They weren’t allowed to for the band, but for everyone outside of his mom, Akihiko, Haruki, Hiiragi, and Shizusumi, they were only supposed to be friends.</p><p>Eventually, that circle would start to include more members, but for right now, the two were more than okay with keeping that circle small. Mafuyu was Ritsuka’s first relationship, and while Mafuyu had spent years of exploration with Yuuki, Ritsuka didn’t have the luxury. Mafuyu wasn’t worried because the two would continue to go at Ritsuka’s pace, and once Ritsuka was more comfortable with their relationship and himself, things would naturally start to change. </p><p>Mafuyu would just have to be patient, just like Ritsuka had been patient with him.</p><p> </p><p>XXX</p><p> </p><p>One moment Ritsuka was taking a shower, the teen unable to stop himself from thinking about the possibility of him and Mafuyu sharing one in the future. The next, the two of them were eating pickled cucumbers and karaage as they laughed about some of the things that had happened that week, like Mafuyu and Shogo playing phone games during their breaks or Ritsuka and Ryou being pulled to help one of the teachers during lunch. It was only little things, but it was nice to catch up about Mafuyu's high score for a rhythm game that he played or Ritsuka grumbling about a teacher wanting him to be on the math team. </p><p>However, it isn't until the two of them are lying on Mafuyu's bed, Ritsuka's hair is still damp from the shower while Mafuyu's pants hang low against his hips, that Ritsuka doesn't know when the two of them had decided to move themselves to Mafuyu's bedroom. Mafuyu's sweatshirt is tight against his chest and arms; Ritsuka does his best to shake the idea of Mafuyu's sweatshirt being similar to a straightjacket.</p><p>Ritsuka isn't crazy, but the anxiety that he's been feeling throughout the week has nestled its way into the back of his mind, making him feel all jittery and timid. If it weren't for Mafuyu's warm hand on his, Ritsuka would probably be freaking out a lot more, especially since he could feel an impending explosion of feelings that would quickly leave the two of them feeling exhausted and strung out. It was a scary thought to have because, for the past couple of weeks, Ritsuka doesn't remember a time where he hadn't felt tired or a little out of sorts.   </p><p>The idea of talking makes him anxious, but not knowing what Mafuyu thinks is disconcerting as well. </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I need to know what he thinks. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I need to know why he didn't like me playing like Yuuki.</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I need to… I need to know what he truly thinks of me!</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Turning over so that he's lying on his side, hand still grasping onto Mafuyu's as he moves, Ritsuka can't help but take a deep breath and whisper, "You wanted to talk?"</p><p>While Mafuyu, unable to stop himself from turning his body to get a better look at his boyfriend, can only reply, "Yes, yes I did. I think we need to."</p><p>Biting his lip in nervousness as he quietly studies Mafuyu, it doesn't escape Ritsuka's notice that the other's eyes are blazing with intent and care. Mafuyu's serious about the two of them talking and Ritsuka is apprehensive about communicating first. It feels as if something is stuck in his throat, and as much as he knows that he needs to say something, the words don't come. Thoughts blare across his mind, and every thought that lingers is filled with insecurity, so much so that Ritsuka finds that he doesn't want to mention them.</p><p>He doesn't want to hurt Mafuyu with them.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>When you talked about Yuuki that night, he sounded absolutely amazing, so what do you see in me?</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>How do I compare? </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>How do I measure up?</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Was I unable to do it that night? Is that why you don't want me to play like him, to be like him? </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Grimacing at the bitterness that settles across his tongue, Ritsuka averts his gaze, "I-I—"</p><p>"Let me." </p><p>"But I—"Ritsuka tries to interrupt, only for Mafuyu to shake his head in response. The younger male is silently telling him that he needs to go first because he understands how difficult this conversation will be. He knows Ritsuka's not going to say what he wants to say unless Mafuyu speaks first.</p><p>"I-I want to. I want to talk first… Please let me." Mafuyu softly says as he squeezes Ritsuka's hand, almost as if he was trying to give himself some strength. Ritsuka tries not to feel terrible because talking shouldn't be this hard. </p><p>He's able to rant to his sister and Haruki for God's sake, and yet, whenever it comes to talking about his fears to Mafuyu, it's like he can't speak about them at all. His chest constricts until it's too hard to breathe, and he worries endlessly about offending Mafuyu that sometimes it's just easier to keep everything inside. He rather hurt himself over hurting Mafuyu, but after that night and talking to Akihiko, that's not what he should do. </p><p>Even if it feels much easier to do that than to explain anything at all, so letting Mafuyu take the lead, Ritsuka gives him a slight nod. Maybe Mafuyu's words will drown the insecurity and bitterness and give him the strength to say what he needs to, and if he's lucky, maybe there will be things that he won't need to say at all.</p><p>"I l-love you…" Mafuyu starts, voice trembling as he does so. He pushes himself to continue, "I don't want you to feel like I don't, because I do. I-I really do, and I know you don't feel like you've been enough. But you have, you've been more than enough, and I hate… I hate that I've hurt you so bad… I pushed you away, and when I thought about that night, about how I disregarded your pain to talk about Yuuki… I feel a little ashamed… I'm sorry…"</p><p>"No! No, you shouldn't… I-I wanted to know more about him… I-I wanted you to tell me about him, to let me be there for you. I—" Ritsuka doesn't get the chance to continue before Mafuyu is moving closer to him, his other hand reaching out so that he can hold onto Ritsuka's hand with both of his own. </p><p>Mafuyu's hands are shaking against his, but Mafuyu doesn't want to back down. His eyes are dark and determined, the other just waiting to continue what he has to say, and all Ritsuka… All Ritsuka can do is let him go on.  </p><p>"Ritsuka, I was frustrated, and I yelled at you… I told you that I was hurting you, I pushed you, and in the end, I just talked about Yuuki… I spoke of him, hoping that it would help... And I'm sure it did, at least a little bit, but after thinking about it, I didn't do my best to understand you, to see where you were coming from... I asked you to tell me why you finished that song, but you never really got to. And I… I didn't even try to give you a straight answer about your playing… I-I didn't really want to… I didn't want to do it at all.</p><p>"Hiiragi even told me you that you guys were going to play that song, that you had finished it… I was furious about it… I still kind of am…"</p><p>Heart stuttering in his chest, Ritsuka's world narrowing until all he can see are Mafuyu's eyes, while the word <em>FuriousFuriousFurious</em> is something that starts to ring through his head. His thoughts raced, and he suddenly feels as if he can't breathe.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>But I… But I did it for you. I did it because I thought it would make you happy… Because you're not always satisfied with me. I did it because Hiiragi and Shizusumi wanted me to… But they're just as sad and stand-offish, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm always a hair away from saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, and the only thing I want to do is make you happy… And you're not. You're not, and I wish you were. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I did it because I wanted to understand the boy that you loved so much. After all, if I understood, then I could make you happy. If he could make you happy, then I could try to make you happy too. I didn't want to hurt you or them. I just wanted to make you feel safe and loved and… What did I do wrong? Why didn't it work? </em>
  </strong>
</p><p><strong><em>Why...</em></strong> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Why…</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Why?</em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>"Was I not good enough?!" </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The last chapter should be up by the end of the week as long as I'm not swamped with work. I have most of it written, I just have to go through it and make sure it flows well with the rest of this fic. Other than that, I apologize for the cliffhanger, but I didn't want to put a 6k+ chapter down. The upside to this, I was able to add another scene, but you'll have to be a little patient for it. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and continue to support this series. 😊</p><p>One last thing, I'm thinking of writing 1 or 2 more fics that will be set in this verse, but both will take place a couple of months after the end of this fic. I just wanted to know if any of you would be interested in reading them, otherwise, I'll be focusing most of my time writing a ShizuYama future fic once this is finished. If you have any thoughts, comment below.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Was I not good enough?!"</p><p>
  <span>Wincing at the anguish that he hears in Ritsuka's voice, the words falling from the other's mouth like word vomit, Mafuyu can see that Ritsuka wants to take the comment back. Thinking back to that night, eyes tearing up as he thinks about what he had said, Mafuyuu can't help but feel as if he had been overly callous and awkward about things. His <em>"I don't care how amazing you were in that concert or how you think I feel about the song…"</em> sounds so much worse now than he had initially thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsuka was hurting, and while Mafuyu was in the right to call his boyfriend out and tell him that he had wanted him to be himself, he didn't make an effort to make him feel as if his actions were genuinely valid either. Ritsuka had hurt himself because Mafuyu had made the older male doubt their relationship. Never mind the place he had in Mafuyu's heart. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I didn't mean that." Ritsuka quickly corrects, completely mortified at what he had said. This was Mafuyu's time to speak, and all Ritsuka could do was focus on all of the wrong things. This moment wasn't supposed to be about his feelings; it was supposed to be about Mafuyu's, and maybe after Mafuyu's done speaking, he'd be able to share his side of the things. Except, he ruined that by opening his big fat mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I didn't mean that at all… Please pretend that I didn't say anything, <em>please?</em>"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsuka's plea breaks Mafuyu's heart, but he knows that he can't back down from this. The two of them need to lay down all of their cards because one conversation hadn't been enough, and Mafuyu needed to know what Ritsuka was thinking. Even if it would hurt and possibly damage him, at least the damage would be small instead of letting it fester like a giant black hole. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mafuyu may have wanted to give his side of things, but maybe that hadn't been the best choice. Looking at the conversation from a different perspective, it seemed similar to a lecture than an actual conversation. He wasn't trying to lecture Ritsuka; he only wanted to Ritsuka know what he was thinking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ritsuka, that's not… I… Do you really mean that? Do you think that you're not good enough? Because you are, you've always been good enough to me… <em>I can't believe</em>…Ritsuka, you're way too good for me… I know right now you don't want to see it, but you are, and I'll keep telling you that until you start to believe that. But until then…" Mafuyu slowly breathes through his nose, frustration evident in his features. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He really should have seen this coming, especially since one night wasn't going to eliminate the months of insecurity that had been stewing in Ritsuka's gut: the insecurity that Mafuyu had accidentally given water and sunlight too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>How had he been so stupid? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>How had he been so simple-minded to think that Ritsuka would be okay? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can't even fault Ritsuka for feeling inferior, and as frustrating as it is, he needs to know where Ritsuka stands. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I take back what I said; I want to hear what you have to say first. Please tell me what you're thinking… I want to hear what you have to say. I don't care if it hurts… <em>If it hurts me</em>. I need you to tell me everything that is going on in your head because if you don't, I can't make things right. I won't be able to tell you what you're thinking is wrong and that I love and appreciate you and that I'm going to do my damn hardest to get you to believe that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blue eyes flashing with disbelief, Ritsuka can only shake his head as he tries to shut Mafuyu out, "You don't mean that. You can't mean that… Just continue with what you were saying earlier. You're the one that had wanted to talk in the first place, so please, just continue… <em>Please</em>…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Only for Mafuyu to return the sentiment by shaking his head as well, despite feeling gutted at the way Ritsuka tells him, <em>"Please."</em> </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsuka wants him to ignore his pain, but Mafuyu can't. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He<em> just can't</em>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Ritsuka notices that Mafuyu isn't going to budge and that he's waiting for him to speak, Ritsuka can't help but get agitated at the way his boyfriend decides to stand his ground. Squirming in apprehension and self-consciousness, Ritsuka does his best to look at everything but Mafuyu. While Mafuyu patiently lies beside him in silence, only for Ritsuka to get increasingly upset by the action.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mafuyu's presence is supposed to be comforting, and it is, but it also makes him feel claustrophobic and small. Mafuyu's expecting an answer from him, and that expectation grabs onto Ritsuka and squeezes him until he can't breathe. The sensation is akin to a noose around his neck; it's unsettling and unnerving. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsuka hates it; he hates the feeling so much, he finds himself growling in pain, "I don't want to do this… I don't want to hurt you…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Which only causes Mafuyu to pull one of his hands from Ritsuka's hold to caress his cheek softly, "I told you that I don't care, because even if it hurts, I've hurt you more than enough to make up for it."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>
      <strong>Besides, right now, I don't think that you could hurt me any more than I've hurt you. </strong>
    </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"But…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking a deep breath, Mafuyu doesn't know where he gets the courage to do something like this, but if Ritsuka's not going to talk, then he's going to make him talk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The two of them need to get past this because if they don't, Mafuyu doesn't want to think of what would happen. He doesn't want to be done with Ritsuka just yet: he doesn't want to lose his chance with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yuuki's gone,<em> but Ritsuka isn't. </em></span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsuka's been with him since that first day in the stairwell all those months ago. Even when the two of them had started to date, Ritsuka was always there for him. It wasn't until Mafuyu had started ignoring Ritsuka in favor of himself trying to figure things out, did things start to go south. Despite that, Ritsuka has barely shown any anger, even though Ritsuka should be the angriest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he has to get Ritsuka to yell at him, then so be it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Doesn't it make you angry? You had to finish Yuuki's song, and the first thing that I say to you is that I don't care? You literally hurt yourself for me, and all I could do was yell at you," Mafuyu says as he quietly takes Ritsuka's hand to point at the bandages, "Did you honestly think that I'd want you to do this? Did you think that I wouldn't notice?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mafuyu, I don't—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I had to listen to that song, to see that you were hurting yourself, and yet" Mafuyu closes his eyes in surrender as he says the next words, "I can't help but think that Yuuki would have never done that… Yuuki loved music just as much as you, but he would have never—" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He'd never do what I did? Is that what you're trying to say? Because unlike him, I'm not good enough for that?" Ritsuka yells, only to slap a hand against his mouth. He hadn't meant to be that loud. He didn't come to Mafuyu's place to start a fight, so forcing himself to lower his voice, he eventually continues, "Just a few days ago, you had mentioned that I was worth more than that, but I can't understand that, because up until that night, I obviously wasn't… And when we started dating, I knew it would be tough for you, and I tried to be understanding and give you what you needed, but… It hurts to realize that you didn't think anything of that… If I had been good enough, then I wouldn't have—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You'd never finish it?" Mafuyu interrupts as Ritsuka gets more and more frustrated. Mafuyu isn't trying to be unnecessarily mean, but he needs to know. He needs to understand why Ritsuka did what he did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then, why did you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Angrily pulling himself away from the bed, hands finding purchase against his hair to pull at it, Ritsuka can't help but spat, "Why should I tell you? I know you hated how I played that night, and even now, you're angry about me doing it, so why even ask? Don't you already know the answer?!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If I did, then I wouldn't be asking." Mafuyu says, exasperation in his voice, "I'm asking about this because I was hoping that you'd be able to tell me how you really feel. I'm asking because I wanted to tell you that I'm not angry with you. The only person I was actually mad at—and I wasn't even that mad, it was more frustration than anything, was with Hiiragi. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He was the one that told me that he had goaded you into finishing that song. He was the one that mentioned that you didn't even want to play it at first, and if it weren't for him, you probably would have never finished that song in the first place… Ritsuka, I'm not angry at you at all… I'm angry at myself, my indecisiveness, my inability to tell you how I feel. I'm angry that it took me months to realize how great you are and how much I love you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Even now, all I want to do is tell you how amazing you can be, but I can't do that… I mean, I can, but I need to know how much I've messed up, so that I can tell you how much you didn't mess up… You've been really great… You've been so much better than what I've deserved, and I… I want you to feel good about that. You haven't messed up at all."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sitting up so that he can reach out to grab Ritsuka's hands, pulling the two of them from his scalp, Mafuyu's next set of words are something that forces Ritsuka to look at him again, "I've never hated the way you played… You're so talented and wonderful… I've never seen anyone play like you before... Not even Yuuki, and the first time I saw you play the guitar, you made my heart race... It was the first time that I had felt anything like that in a while. Up until that point, it was as if I had been walking through a fog. Then when you had taken the time to teach me... To play your music for me... That fog had gone away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You made me see and do things that I had never done before. You gave me a chance to love something that I had always wanted to call my own... You supported me, and I hate that I couldn't tell you how grateful I was. Your music and kindness saved me, and as much as that song gave me a chance to see Yuuki one last time, I hated that you had to be the one to do that. It was as if you had been Yuuki at that moment... You were absolutely fantastic, but I...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What? You were what? Tell me!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ritsuka...I don't want to say I loved your playing that night, especially when you are so much better when you are playing in your usual style... <em>When you are playing with me</em>... <em><strong>When you play with Given</strong></em>."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears are streaming down Ritsuka's face now, and Mafuyu's heart breaks when Ritsuka chokes, "But you didn't want me to do that. If you did, then why did it feel like you had wanted Yuuki more than you had wanted me? Even now, I still don't understand why you haven't made a decision about debuting, unless it has something to do with me... You're telling me all of these things, but it's hard to believe it... It's hard to believe that you want anything to do with me or the group... So why are you doing this now? What are you trying to say?"</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"I'm scared! I'm completely terrified, alright?"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"And you think I'm not?" Ritsuka yells as he pulls a hand away from Mafuyu to wipe the tears from his eyes, "I'm scared about debuting and messing things up… I already ruined one band, so who's to say I won't be the reason for destroying Given too… Sometimes it feels like I've already done it. Sometimes I feel as if I will never be good enough for you and that Yuuki will always be better… I don't know what to do, and I can't help but be insecure… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And as much as I try not to think about it, I'm always wondering about why you haven't been able to give me or anyone else an answer about Given, and the only reason I can see is that you think we're not good enough… That I've never been good enough for you to put your trust in me… I feel as if I'm second best, and I don't want to be second best… I want to be the best! I want us to be the best, and yet, how can we… How can I? When you can't even believe in me…When I can't even believe in myself?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ritsuka—"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just tell me what you want!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." Mafuyu almost flinches at the words that slip from his mouth. While Ritsuka starts to pace back and forth in front of him, the older male is so upset that tears begin to stream down his face like waterfalls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ritsuka is so close to all-out sobbing that Mafuyu doesn't know what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wants to continue comforting Ritsuka, but he doesn't know if Ritsuka will accept it anymore, especially when the other boy's pacing becomes more heated as the seconds wear on. Mafuyu almost starts crying himself when Ritsuka cries, "You're sorry? You're sorry? I—How can you say that? I—Fuck, no, I don't want to do this… I don't want to do this at all. I don't want to be angry at you… Why are you doing this? Why do you want to see me angry?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hands clenching into fists, Mafuyu looks towards his knees, teeth gritting, "It's not that I want to see you angry... It's that I want you to stop holding yourself back... I can't help but think that you think that it's not okay to be angry... But it's okay to be angry. It's okay to be angry with me, so stop holding things in for my sake, alright? I want us to be okay, but I don't think that can happen without you wanting to punish yourself!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Feet tripping over themselves, Ritsuka suddenly falling over from the shock of Mafuyu's words, Ritsuka descends to the floor. The sudden fall causes Mafuyu to slide off his bed so that he can kneel right next to Ritsuka, his hands hovering over Ritsuka's form as panic runs through him like an electric shock. While Ritsuka, knees smarting in pain, can't help but roll himself into a ball, " I'm not punishing myself! I'm not..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then what am I supposed to call it when you decide to hurt yourself over trying to talk to me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sharply taking in a shallow breath, just trying to get enough air to continue breathing, Ritsuka tries to ground himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"M-Mafuyu, I don't think you understand… I-I don't want to be angry l-like this… I d-don't like being like this… I don't like h-hurting myself... I... All I really want is for y-you to see me for me… I-I want you to be by my side and believe in me… It's b-been a while since I've been able to do that, and I… I want to do that again… I want to be myself again… I want you to want me because I don't think I can b-be like Yuuki e-ever again..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"<em>Oh, Ritsuka</em>… I told you that you don't have to be like him... Y-you're not second best. You're n-not worse than Yuuki. You're completely stunning, and as much as I miss Yuuki, you've never not matched up to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're so caring and kind, even when I don't deserve that kindness. You took the time to teach me… To teach me the guitar… You've given me another home, a place where I can be myself... Yuuki gave me that a little bit, but he never went as far as what you've done for me... And I cherish all of that... I know that I still have a long way to go with playing that guitar or making music with you, but you're always patient with me, even when you're frustrated… You've given me a lot, so… You're more than good enough… You've always been good enough, and I—I don't want anyone else but you. I want you, Ritsuka. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want to play and write music with you. I want to go on dates with you. I… I want to kiss you so damn much. I want to kiss you all the time… And I hope… I hope you want to do the same for me. I don't want you to hurt anymore because I want you to know that I want you. I love you, Ritsuka… I-I really, really love you, and I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry… I want you to know that. I want you to know that I appreciate you, even the stuff that you've done with my friends… We don't really deserve someone like you, but I don't want to give you up. I don't want to give you away to anyone else… So yes, Ritsuka, you can believe in yourself again because I… I don't think I'll ever be able to stop… Believing in you, I mean… It's hard not to..." Arms wrapping themselves around Ritsuka to the point that he's sure his boyfriend is barely able to breathe, Mafuyu can't help but sigh in relief when Ritsuka shakily returns his hug.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Feeling no need to let the other go just yet, Mafuyu continuing to hold onto Ritsuka until his shaking begins to wane. Ritsuka quietly finds the strength to say, "D-do you really mean that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While Mafuyu, unable to stop himself from choking up, is forced to admit, "Yes, a hundred times, yes." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's then that Ritsuka finally feels what he's been missing for weeks now: a soft pull in his chest and the idea that the two of them will have the courage to be alright now. In response, Ritsuka softly begins to smile, a shaky little slip of his lip. He mumbles against Mafuyu’s shoulder, "Can you tell me everything that you've just said again?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span><strong><em>I won't stop until you believe it</em></strong>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Giving a watery chuckle, Mafuyu pulls Ritsuka even closer to him, "Yeah... I can do that." </span>
</p><p>XXX</p><p>Staring up at the ceiling, unable to get to sleep just yet, Mafuyu silently takes in the warmth that is radiating from Ritsuka’s body. The older teen is fast asleep against him, Ritsuka’s nose is buried into the crook of his neck, while his arm and leg are wrapped around his middle. Ritsuka is completely honest in his sleep. His body reaches out to Mafuyu, wanting nothing more than to completely attach himself to his boyfriend, it painfully reminds Mafuyu how hesitant Ritsuka can be about affection and touch. Ritsuka is not always truthful with what he wants from Mafuyu just yet, so having Ritsuka plastered against his side is an odd experience. The two have only shared a handful of hugs and kisses, so it’s hard to see Ritsuka hold onto him as if he is still afraid to lose him.</p><p>Heart clenching at the thought, Mafuyu pulls Ritsuka even closer and surrenders himself to being held like this for the rest of the night. Unable to stop himself from smelling Ritsuka’s hair and the familiar scent of his shampoo, Mafuyu takes a soft whiff before he’s letting out a relieved sigh.</p><p>They’ve made a lot of progress over the past couple of days, and he feels a lot better about where they’re at and how they’ll be able to fix their relationship. Mafuyu knows what he needs to do, and that clarity makes all the difference.</p><p>Delicately pressing his lips to Ritsuka’s forehead, cool lips touching the skin above his brows, Mafuyu quietly makes another promise to do better. Feeling Ritsuka subconsciously move closer to him, almost as if he could sense the change in Mafuyu’s mood, Mafuyu softly smiles before he pulls his face away as Ritsuka’s hair starts to tickle his nose. Setting his chin along the top of Ritsuka’s head instead, Mafuyu quietly finds himself spending the next couple of minutes making a list of everything that he wants to do with Ritsuka. It isn’t long until he stops doing that as he finally decides to make one last promise to himself.</p><p>One that he’s confident enough to keep.</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>I promise to stop running away and being so scared. I want to make music with Ritsuka for a very long time. I won’t let my fears stop me, because doing that and loving Ritsuka, it’s not a scary concept anymore. </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>“Ritsuka, I know you're asleep, but let’s debut. I really want to.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So this is the end of this fic and the end of 'you're giving me a heart attack' series, however, I have decided to have one more fic set in the same verse, but set a month or two after this story ends. However, it probably won't be up for a couple of weeks and it'll be after I've written a chapter or two in the ShizuYama fic I've been occasionally working on. So, until then, I want to thank everyone for all of your support and I hope you enjoyed this series as much as I've enjoyed writing it. :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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